********SPIFF STUFF******** *****Issue 7, 12/21/97***** "The was-supposed-to-be-Christmas-issue-until-I-got-so-busy-that-I-had-to-make-it-the-New-Year's-issue-then-I-had-to-do-a-research-paper-and-than-it-was-night-school-so-this-is-the-Groundhog-Day-issue Issue!" CONTENTS: The DemiGod Speaks The Top Ten Least Popular Specialty Stores A Special Moment From Spiff Stuff History (NEW!)The First Six Words Of The Almighty Spiff-ionary! The Top Ten Cutbacks In The New Cleveland Stadium Spiff News (NEW!) The Spiff Mailbag How To Contribute Closing In Style ******************** THINE DEMIGOD SPEAKETH It's taken nearly three months, but I finally did it. Spiff Stuff number seven is complete! I did have some good reasons why...... ...Unfortunately, I can't think of one at the moment. Instead, I'm going to tell you about all the neato stuff in this issue: * - Spiffionary - The first six LONG words. * - Mailbag - I answer all the right questions. Well, I don't really have much to say, so until next time, do nothing but chant this: "Owha Tagoo Niam" ******************** TOP TEN #1 "Least Popular Specialty Stores" 10 - Bubba's Urine World 9 - Offensive Odor Gift Shoppe 8 - Crap-You-Can't-Possibly-Afford World 7 - Nazis, Nazis, Nazis! 6 - Mass-Murderer Trading Card Collecting Land 5 - Commie Bob's Commie Bookstore 4 - Funky Ed's Disco Threads 3 - Crazy Ernie's Discount Used Condom Emporium 2 - The Solar-Powered Blender Accessory Store 1 - The Sporkatorium ******************** TOP TEN ON THE RADIO! Here's a top ten list that you all know and love. It was read on the air during a radio show here in Cleveland: "Military Names For Common Household Items" 10 - Gravitational Geometric Spherical Solid Attachmenting Aparatus (Nail) 9 - Fluidic And Semi-Solid Waste Control And Disposal Utensil (Toilet) 8 - Coilable Leather Uniform Adjustment And Securement Device (Belt) 7 - Moisture Retainment And Redistribution System (Plastic Cup) 6 - Pixilized Aerometric Multi-Appearable Navigational Representational Geographic Targetter (Computer Mouse) 5 - Rectangular Coarse Information Containment And Distribution Aparatus (Sheet Of Paper) 4 - Reflective Ordinational Aerial Feigning Autonomic Disruption Averter (Origami Bird) 3 - Cylindrical Elongated Sheathable Scalable Informational And Recreational Recorder (Mechanical Pencil) 2 - Leather Trifolded Secure Economic Transportation And Procurement System (Wallet) 1 - Orientational Spherical Multi-Directional Ergonomic Self-Representational Incompetence Compensator (Compass) ******************** SPIFF-IONARY To send in you at least 40 letter words, email me at abucchioni@hotmail.com ! (From Bob) xenonalfilliatusalcolineomniphobialitateredingfortnarfphonetillaphate = "Hi" (Bob Again) Wallinformalishovscantellaaracnitempillnettonforlittemarnitotquintipulaarkansassmonkeylipaxenonarxenawarriorprincessbiljimantra = "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a machine!" (The rest from me) Modeleviusticalisonexistentionalliniclenezestablalitycaliness = "Well" Alevisticalinessionarystolaricanitionalistingradistiglob = "Car" Obitionisticalifortionaryisticaliperishnicofsoltarinisticalnessormictalnaryistinsontalarisclambarishoffxenessicalisonipernaryobstacanistlarynessipersoniconstitnailisotaconstonaryfulisticalnessaryicanifullikari = "Spiffy" Proactionarysontallisticnessessfularytoniclestonificalesupercalifashishsontalverticolness = "Orbital Proactive Insertion Device" ******************** TOP TEN #3 "Cutbacks In The New Cleveland Stadium" 10 - Teams forced to play "half-court" football 9 - Luxury box contains a bean bag chair and a four inch TV 8 - For extra money, city allows the military to build a missle silo under the field 7 - No sound system; Announcer forced to use paper towel roll 6 - Browns forced to change in Cavs' locker room 5 - Jumbotron replaced by one HUGE Etch-A-Sketch 4 - Cement for foundation replaced by Play-Doh 3 - Ticket prices contain eight zeros 2 - All twelve seats are behind poles 1 - Entire stadium built with Legos ******************** SPIFF NEWS "When Trees Attack!" There was a new entry among the hug mass of famous Kennedys last month. You know, the dead ones. Micheal Kennedy died after colliding with a tree while skiing. Kennedy refused to use the rods to control himself, instead choosing to play football. Although every bit of evidence points to the tree, some still say it was the sniper on the grassy knoll. "When Trees Attack! Again." Proving that real ironic death is much more fun than fiction, Sonny Bono died after, in case you haven't guessed yet, colliding into a tree while skiing. Sonny died after telling his wife that he would buy a helmet before their next ski trip, so he wouldn't crash into a tree and die, like Kennedy. "Justice Go BOOM!" In yet another example of famous people NOT getting the book thrown at them, Unabomber Ted Kazinsky is in the middle of a plea bargain. In exchange for a guilty plea, Ted will receive life in prison, with no parole. He wants to avoid the death penalty, even though he tried to commit underwear-cide earlier. Ted has been complaining that, even though he's away from his shack, the prison has refused to let him join the pen pal program. ******************** MAILBAG Thanks to question asking technology, we bring you the answers to the tough questions. Our first question is from PCGames magazine: "What happened to you guys? Do you believe in anything?" Answer: Hey, stop yelling at me! We're only human, darnit! Now, wasn't that informative? ******************** COMMENT OF THE TIME BETWEEN ISSUES "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." ******************** IN CLOSING.... What did we learn this year? * Never, ever, EVER buy fertilizer for a madman trying to overthrow government. It's just not safe anymore. * Once again, don't go anywhere NEAR Tyson. * Ellen's GAY! * Never carry a brain in a bowl while watching Suddenly Susan! Well, until our next issue, Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya! Anthony Bucchioni, The DemiGod abucchioni@hotmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/simak/48